As I was waiting today for a connecting plane back to England, I, for some unknown reason went into “Discover” on my phone. I briefly read an article, and I do say briefly, about this subject. It is a subject that is talked about alot more this century. Celebraties, if that is what you call them, appear to revel and almost boast about turbulent and abusive times they may have endured. General public sell their stories to low budget publications, willingly showing pictures of their scars. Television shows almost promote such events on mid morning shows for the nation to see. Serial dramas, or as they are known “Soaps” constantly try and research it and attempt to cover it in a fashion with the objective of “making the public aware”. ABUSE.
There are many types of abuse. On the other side of the coin there are many types of abusers. From a very early age I was picked on at school. I dreaded school most days. Peers were cruel about a terrible skin disorder, teachers didn’t understand my tiredness, through sleepless nights of itching and constant infections. I therefore lost total interest. Fantasy was my escape, my own secret world. The results at exam time were rather disappointing!!!
College was altogether different and as my health improved so did the results. However I had a very low opinion of myself and this probably started a very slow and subtle journey of self destruction!!! During alot of very good times, meeting many people who appeared to be very genuine I thought life was good. Looking back people were false and I allowed hurt, I allowed people to use me, I gave myself permission to be second best as long as it looked OK to the big wide world!!! My secret insecurities were mine to hold on to.
Life moved on as it always does and years passed. As mentioned earlier there are many different types of abuse, physical, mental, emotional and sexual. All very bad offenders. I hid all four. I became an island, alone and diserted. Trapped inside and out. I was ashamed but accepted the situation, looking back it was “learnt behaviour”.
I truly believe that people who abuse are very, very clever. They manipulate, they can act and they do know exactly what their motives are. However from a personal perspective deep down I really felt it was what I deserved as it was what I had known from being young. Unfortunately my escape, my distraction was just another lonely road.
That was a very long time ago. Life is not like that today. I have never told my story, I have never wanted to make myself a celebrity out of those trying years. What amazes me those who do, whoever they are. I was far too ashamed, far too frightened, and, far far too ill to do anything least of all look after myself. It should not be covered up. However if you really suffer and really hurt then publicity I know is the last thing on your mind.
I am very grateful, I love unconditionally a great many people in my life today and I do not give myself permission to be abused in anyway, anymore. Abuse on a positive note has taught me how to LOVE. You know you can’t beat that!!!!